


You've Shown Me I Have Reasons I Should Love Myself

by MinSuga1993



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caring Hyunjin, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dark Thoughts, Diary/Journal, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Felix, Implied Relationships, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pet Names, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, The summary sucks, but he has hyunjin, felix is suffering, the others are mentioned - Freeform, the others might sound like assholes, this tuned into a cliche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 00:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16074662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinSuga1993/pseuds/MinSuga1993
Summary: “I'm here now, baby. I will help you, I promise,” Hyunjin whispered in the silence, no one there to listen to his words.More than to other people, it was a promise to himself. He swore that it would have been the last time he had failed to notice his friend's condition. It was the last time he had let Felix suffer alone.(or: it had always been easy for Felix to hide behind fake smiles and hope people around him didn't notice. But every night, the voices in his head screamed louder and louder. All he could do was vent his emotions into a diary he kept hidden. A diary that Hyunjin has accidentally read.)





	You've Shown Me I Have Reasons I Should Love Myself

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language, I'm sorry for any possible mistake.  
> Please read the tags if you're not comfortable with these topics.  
> Enjoy the reading!

When the bell rang, all the students packed their things, eager to leave the classroom in order to go to lunch. Hyunjin, still busy copying down the notes the professor had just explained, was still sitting at his desk.

 

“Seungminnie, save a place at the table for me,” he nicely requested to his friend, seeing him leave the classroom with everyone else. The slightly younger boy nodded, leaving Hyunjin alone in the now silent room.

 

A few minutes later, his notes were organised and his copybook closed. He got up from his seat, already thinking about what he was going to eat for lunch when he noticed a rather small notebook under the desk beside him. He stopped for a moment, questioning whether it was right for him to take it or ignore it and leave it there. After a couple of seconds of silent debating, he realised who the owner of the desk was. There, covering the notebook from whoever passed by, was Felix's desk. Hyunjin then guessed that, if the notebook was actually Felix's, it was his duty to give it back to him, since they knew each other pretty well.

 

Hyunjin and Felix were indeed in the same group of friends but weren't that close. While he preferred hanging out with Woojin, Jeongin and Seungmin, Felix was closer with Changbin, Jisung, Chan and Minho. They were still pretty friendly with each other, even though they didn't speak that much.

 

Deciding on taking the notebook with him and giving it back to Felix at lunch, he was struck with the doubt of whether the small book was actually Felix's or if it was just a coincidence it landed under the younger's desk. With slow steps, he picked up the notebook deciding to check if there was a name on it.

 

Nothing was written on the front cover. Hyunjin soon realised that, after being in the same class as Felix for the most part of his life, he could probably recognise his writing anyway. He opened the notebook on a random page, surprised to see it filled with words in a language he soon recognised as English. If the writing didn't already give it away, the different language did. It wasn't a piece of news that Felix was way more comfortable speaking in English and, when he had to write things for himself, he ditched Korean all together.

 

On the other hand, Hyunjin's English was a bit rusty, but he could easily pick up the overall meaning of the sentences he read or heard. For sure, he could understand the short “ _ dear diary, _ ” Felix had written at the beginning of every page.

 

Hyunjin knew it wasn't his place to read what Felix had written in it, realising it could be personal. He gave in to his curiosity when, eyes widening, he noticed the dry drops that ruined the ink of some words. It wasn't hard to guess that Felix had been crying writing that page. Hyunjin turned the page and, if it was clear that tears ruined the previous words, it was even clearer that, on the bit Hyunjin was now watching, Felix’s hand had been shaking so bad, some of the lines were moulded together.

 

Saying that Hyunjin was worried was an understatement. What made Felix so upset in the first place? His concern took over any other rational thought and, focusing to understand the different language as much as possible, Hyunjin started to read the diary.

 

_ Dear diary, _

_ Why do I feel like I'm falling? Why do I feel like I'm nothing more than a burden to everyone around me? How can I be happy when I know that everything around me is just a lie? I am a lie. The smile on my face is faker than ever but no one seems to notice. Why would they care even if they knew? Chan thinks I'm just a brat he's forced to take care of, Jisung prefers being with the others while I'm there alone, Changbin pretends like he doesn't know how much he means to me and Minho avoids being alone with me if the others aren't around. What am I even doing here? _

 

Hyunjin let out a gasp at the sad thoughts he was reading. Did Felix really think that? Did he really think he was that unloved? He kept reading the following page.

 

_ Dear diary, _

_ My panic attacks are starting to become more frequent. I need to hide in the bathroom every time I am at school because I don't want anyone to know. What's happening to me? I just want to go away, to make everyone happy and finally disappear. I don't deserve to be here. But I'm weak, I'm weak to do anything about it. Every night the scars on my wrists get deeper but I can't finish it. I'm such a disappointment, even for myself. What would happen if tonight the blade I keep for myself got deeper? This isn't enough anymore. _

 

Hyunjin didn't realise he was crying until he felt his cheeks getting wet. How could this be possible? How could someone go through all of that and still look as happy as Felix did? He didn't know what to do, his legs gave up under him and he needed to lean on the desk to prevent himself from falling. In his mind, all he could think about was how he could address the problem. He didn't even know if he was supposed to in the first place.

 

Before being able to think too much about it, he heard the bell ring again, signalling the end of lunch. Drying his eyes on the sleeves of his uniform, he took the notebook and went straight to the lunch hall. Even if he knew he had to do something, he realised it was too sudden and totally wrong to call Felix out in front of the whole group.

 

Sighing in relief seeing Felix still at the table, he quickly headed towards it.

 

“It took you long enough,” Seungmin said, eyeing him suspiciously. Lunch was already over and the tray his friends got him was now sitting cold on the table.

 

“Sorry, guys, I got immersed in my notes and forgot the time,” he explained quickly, sitting on the bench right in front of Felix. Hyunjin was lucky his friends didn't notice his red eyes. Before he could convince himself out of it, he handed Felix his notebook.

 

“Hey, I think you forgot this in class,” he said lightly, trying to sound as casual as possible, even if his hands were slightly shaking.

 

A look of pure terror crossed Felix’s eyes but he was quick to cover it with a small smile. Just as quickly, he took the notebook and hide it in his backpack.

 

“Ah, yes,” Felix sighed in relief, “I was just wondering where I left it,” he explained and, even if on his face there was a smile, his eyes were scared and suspicious.

 

The conversation on the table went on, as usual, no one really caring about the bell, which had already rung.

 

While he was trying to keep up with the conversations around him, his mind too lost on the boy in front of him, he felt a tap on his hand, coming exactly from the said boy.

 

Felix cleared his voice hesitantly, trying to look as casual as possible.

 

“You didn't read what's inside the notebook, right?” he asked, his voice shaking even if he tried to look unbothered. Hyunjin thought that, even if he now knew the truth, he could still have easily noticed how scared the other looked.

 

He decided it was best for them both to lie. With a cheeky smile, he replied.

 

“No, I didn't. Why, hiding secrets?” he asked jokingly, knowing it was actually the truth. He wanted to see how far Felix could go with his lies.

 

“Nah, it's just an old agenda I keep,” Felix said so casually that, if Hyunjin didn't know better, he would have actually believed him.

 

For the rest of the day, his mind couldn't ignore the matter. He wanted to do something about it, he wanted to help Felix so badly. But he didn't know if he had any right to do so. After all, he was the one who read the diary, even if it was private and he knew it.

 

In the same way, he knew that he just  _ had _ to do something. He couldn't just ignore what he had read and pretended like he knew nothing. Lying in his bed at two in the morning, sleep far away, he made his choice. All he could do was be by Felix's side and try his best to make him feel as appreciated and loved as possible.

 

When, the day right after, Hyunjin started to be way nicer and more invested in Felix, no one really noticed. Hyunjin had always been an overall nice and lovable person, but since both he and Felix had their own friends, he had never tried to get closer to the younger.

 

Since it was indeed pretty weird to suddenly be so nice and friendly with him, Hyunjin decided to start with small things. Waiting for him before leaving the classroom for lunch, trying to include him in the conversations and making small talk whenever he noticed the younger being alone and too lost in his thoughts.

 

Hyunjin didn't really know if his behaviour could be of any help, but he figured that, if Felix really thought no one cared for him, a new friend by his side could only do good.

 

Felix was pretty good at hiding his feelings under fake smiles but Hyunjin, now knowing the truth, couldn't help picking up some of the habits he had. Sometimes he blanked out, completely immersed in his thoughts, not even realising that people around him were talking. In those moments, Hyunjin noticed how Felix would clench his fingers into a fist, so tightly that his nails would leave small crescents into his skin. Other times, when his friends joked around, leaving him completely out of the conversation, he would just sit there and smile like usual but he would pull his sleeves over his hands protectively. Hyunjin started to understand why.

 

It wasn't a surprise that the small group didn't notice a change, but it was that Felix did. However, Hyunjin didn't expect to be cornered by Felix himself.

 

They were walking towards their next lesson after lunch, when Felix, moving by his side, spoke.

 

“Hey, why have you been so nice to me lately?” Felix asked, his voice sounded so unsure Hyunjin wanted to wrap him in a protective hug. Felix didn't look at him, his eyes stuck on the floor looking so small and fragile. Hyunjin couldn't understand how it was possible, that someone as lovely and genuine as Felix could hate himself at that point.

 

“Can't I be nice to my close friends?” Hyunjin asked back instead, gasping and faking a hurt look for emphasis. That made Felix smile just a little bit, but for now, it was more than enough.

 

“Close friend? We’ve barely hung out twice this past year,” Felix countered, finally lifting his eyes from the floor and looking straight at Hyunjin. If he didn't know any better, he could almost say that Felix was touched by his words.

 

Throwing an arm around Felix’s shoulders, he smiled blindingly.

 

“That doesn't mean I don't care for you, Lix-ah,” he concluded, dragging a stunned Felix towards the entrance of the classroom, where luckily the teacher hadn't arrived yet.

 

Pleased with what happened, Hyunjin spent the whole lesson smiling at himself and enjoying the light blush on Felix's cheeks every time they made eye contact.

 

Felix had always been an amazing friend and person in general for whoever was around him and Hyunjin found himself thinking about wanting to know the boy better. Deep inside, he knew it wasn't just to try understanding how he could help him, but it was easier to convince himself it was just about the pure need of being there for the younger.

 

Hyunjin ripped a paper from his notebook and quickly wrote something down, before folding it. He waited until the teacher turned to the blackboard to slip it on Felix's desk.

 

The boy eyed him suspiciously, an eyebrow raised and a confused expression on his face. When Hyunjin said nothing more, he took the paper and opened it, just to find a short message written for him.

 

_ Hey, do you wanna grab a coffee at the cafe down the street when we finish? -H _

 

Felix seemed to take ages to finally give him an answer. He could see the doubt in the younger’s eyes, probably asking himself why Hyunjin suddenly wanted to hang out with him.

 

He ignored all his doubts and he turned to Hyunjin who was still looking at him expectantly, still waiting for an answer. Felix nodded shortly, not wanting to be called out by the teacher. Hyunjin didn't fail to notice the smile on his face and this time he could almost say it looked real.

  
  
  


Hanging out alone with Felix was awkward in a way but comforting in another. It might have been just Felix being shy but Hyunjin soon realised that he had to do most of the talking if he wanted to get to know the younger. It was rather comforting on the other hand because he was usually used to try to keep up with hundreds of facts his friends threw at him, without having a moment to assimilate them and give an answer.

 

They were sitting at one of the small tables at the cafe Hyunjin visited almost every day, a hot coffee in front of both of them. Hyunjin knew he had to be the first to break the silence if he wanted the situation not to turn into nothing more than awkward silence.

 

“What do you think about Korea? It's been around a year since you moved here, right?” Hyunjin asked, trying to find a topic to talk about. He sighed in relief when Felix didn't seem bothered by the question.

 

“It's nice,” Felix answered with a tiny smile, “I still need to work on my Korean though,” he continued, scratching the back of his neck almost as if embarrassed.

 

“You improved a lot, you can easily keep up a conversation now,” Hyunjin phrased, smiling blindingly at him. Felix indeed still had trouble with the language but he was also working so hard to improve it.

 

Flushing at the sudden compliment, Felix muttered a small “ _ thank you _ ” under his breath averting from Hyunjin's eyes.

 

“I mean, after all, you still have us, you can always ask if you need help,” Hyunjin said carefully, knowing it was a delicate topic. Felix felt like he didn't belong and Hyunjin didn't know how he would take a comment about him and his friends.

 

It was subtle but Hyunjin could clearly see how Felix’s smile faltered slightly, almost as if he didn't believe Hyunjin's words. He stayed silent, ending the conversation at that.

 

Once again, Hyunjin understood he had to be the one saving it.

 

“So,” he started, clearing his voice and making the younger look at him again, “do you have any other hobbies besides school stuff and studying Korean?” he asked, opting to dive for something simple.

 

Felix seemed to ponder over it, lightly tapping his finger on his lip. Hyunjin now noticed how his lip seemed to be bitten, Felix probably hurting it with his own teeth. His stomach twisted uncomfortably and he moved his gaze to Felix’s eyes.

 

“I used to take dance pretty seriously back at home, but now I just go to the dance studio from time to time,” Felix finally answered, shrugging his shoulders lightly.

 

It was indeed a piece of news for Hyunjin. He was a dancer himself but he didn't know anything about Felix’s passion.

 

“I'm a dancer too,” he exclaimed, happy to have finally found a common topic between them.

 

Felix’s eyes lit up.

 

“Why did you stop? You could have joined the school team with me and Minho-hyung,” Hyunjin asked curiously, glad to have made Felix open up to him at least a bit.

 

“I just felt like focusing on learning Korean and getting used to living here, before thinking about any possible hobby,” Felix explained matter-of-factly. It made sense.

 

“But you still dance from time to time you said?” Hyunjin shot back, hoping he wasn't making Felix uncomfortable. Luckily the younger seemed just fine talking about it.

 

“Yeah, I visit the studio on nights when I can't sleep. Dancing makes me calm down,” Felix said lastly like it was something he long accepted.

 

Hyunjin was a bit taken aback. He was pretty passionate about dancing as well but he couldn't imagine leaving his house at whatever hour of the night, to head to the studio. Even less if it was after the whole day of lessons and homework. That wasn't healthy.

 

Felix seemed to realised he said too much and quickly explained himself.

 

“It's a habit I've always had. I just turn on the music and let my body relax to it, nothing more. And then I head back home and finally fall asleep.”

 

Said it like that didn't sound so concerning but, by the slight instability of Felix’s voice, Hyunjin dared to think that was just another lie Felix was trying to cover. After that, the conversation kept going and Hyunjin was delighted to notice how much more comfortable Felix seemed. He would even crack a joke or tease him lightly from time to time.

 

Hyunjin couldn't help but childishly hope that the Felix who hurt himself physically and emotionally, could instead be as happy as the Felix in front of him looked.

  
  
  


After that day, for a mutual silent agreement, their hangouts started to be more frequent. Hyunjin was over the moon to be able to be there for the younger and at the same time could get to know the boy. Day after day, he asked himself more often, how Felix was so good at hiding what was going on in his head when he always looked so happy and eager to help others. It scared Hyunjin because, he knew that, even if he got closer to the boy, he was nowhere near addressing the matter with him.

 

There were days when Felix looked extremely tired, shrugging away every concerned comment, saying he just stayed up late doing an essay. Hyunjin thought it had something to do with the whole couldn't-sleep-and-danced-all-night thing.

 

About a month after that first day at the cafe, Hyunjin got to experience the Felix behind those forced smiles and troubled eyes. They were all sitting at lunch like any other day, laughing about some story Jisung was telling the table. Hyunjin being now overly attentive to each move Felix made, didn't fail to notice how the younger looked extremely exhausted. He had huge dark circles under his eyes and he didn't even try to fake a laugh when the others did. His gaze was fixed on the food in front of him but he wasn't eating it, instead, his teeth were biting hard on the flash of his lip and his leg was shaking under the table.

 

Hyunjin wanted to call out for his friends and yell at them for not realising what was happening right in front of their eyes. But Hyunjin knew better and he honestly wondered if he himself would have noticed it if he hadn't read that diary months before.

 

Nevertheless, Hyunjin wanted to help Felix once again but didn't know how to. He didn't want to make a scene in front of everybody but he also couldn't stay there, watching Felix destroy himself right under his eyes.

 

In the end, he didn't need to do anything because, before he could open his mouth and call Felix, the younger got up and with a halfhearted excuse he ran away. The other seven members at the table watched him confused, before shrugging and going back to their conversation. Once again, Hyunjin knew better.

 

He too got up and, saying he needed to speak with his teacher before the lesson started, he exited the lunch room. He paused in front of the door, his hands running wildly through his hair, trying to think quickly about where Felix could have run to. Then a sudden realisation struck his mind.

 

_ My panic attacks are starting to get more frequent, I have to hide in the bathroom when I'm at school. _

 

As fast as possible, Hyunjin ran to the male bathroom, hoping he got it right. Even if he did, he didn't know what he could do but all he cared about at that moment was not let Felix be alone with his thoughts.

 

When he entered the restroom, for a moment he desperately thought he was in the wrong place because everything was silent and no one seemed to be there. His attention was soon caught by a choked sob, coming from one of the locked stalls in the bathroom.

 

Carefully he moved in front of it, immediately noticing the figure sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth. The boy's breath was too fast and as the sobs seemed to increase. Hyunjin pulled his hair, not wanting to scare the boy even further.

 

“Felix? It's me, Hyunjin,” he said, his voice soft and shooting as if he was talking with a scared animal. His fear only got worse, when he heard a loud sob being silenced by Felix’s hand.

 

Hyunjin's eyes filled with tears because of his hopelessness in the situation and his friend's pain.

 

“Go away,” Felix chanted inside the stall, rocking back and forth. Hyunjin didn't know if it was an order for him or a plea for the voices in his head.

 

“Lix, baby, please, let me in,” Hyunjin pleaded, feeling the first tear rolling down his cheek. He leant his forehead on the door, the word “ _ please _ ” being repeated over and over again.

 

Nothing changed from inside the stall and Hyunjin was a second away from breaking down the door himself. That's until he felt something thumping on the door tentatively and a second later the door being unlocked. The chokes had stopped but the tears were still rolling down Felix’s face and his breath was still heavy and uneven. Hyunjin didn't hesitate to open the door completely, facing now the boy who had his head buried in his arms while hugging his knees.

 

“Lix–” was what left Hyunjin's mouth in a sob of his own, “can I touch you?” he whispered, kneeling down, now facing the younger. He just wanted to wrap his arms around him and protect him from everything, but he didn't want to make the situation worse. After all, how could he protect Felix from himself?

 

Hyunjin thought Felix didn't hear him or maybe didn't want to, because he didn't give an answer at all. A second after, Felix still hadn't moved but Hyunjin saw him nod, giving him the go ahead.

 

Without hesitation, he carefully pulled the younger into his chest, wrapping his arms around his shoulders while a hand kept his head close to his chest. Felix’s arms let his knees go and instead wrapped themselves around Hyunjin's waist painfully tightly. Felix started to sob again, his tears wetting Hyunjin's uniform but he couldn't care less. All he could focus on was the shaking boy in his arms and how concerned he was about him.

 

“Felix - Lix, listen to my voice, okay? Everything is okay, I'm here now. I won't let anything hurt you,” Hyunjin chanted in Felix’s hear, his voice nothing more than a sweet and comforting whisper, even if tears were still streaming down his face.

 

Felix didn't give an answer but he hugged Hyunjin even closer, hiding his head in his chest.

 

“You need to breathe, baby. Breathe with me, okay? In and out, in and out,” Hyunjin mused, hoping Felix wasn't too out of it to listen to him. To his great relief, he felt Felix following him, his breath getting more even, even if still shaky.

 

“That's good, Lix. You did great. I'm here, you can relax now, baby. I'm not going anywhere,” Hyunjin kept talking, hoping the sound of a familiar voice could help Felix calm down.

 

After a couple of more minutes of Hyunjin reassuring and comforting him, Felix started to finally melt into the embrace. He was no longer crying and, even if his breathing was still unsteady, Hyunjin knew he was way better than before.

 

In fact, Felix started to unwrap his arms from Hyunjin's waist, now realising how tightly he was holding onto him.

 

On the other hand, Hyunjin didn't make a move, too afraid to let the boy go. Was this what Felix had to go through every time he had a panic attack? Was he always alone and then just come to them and pretend like he was fine?

 

Hyunjin felt Felix pull away from the embrace and he realised it was probably time to get up. Felix was silent, drying his face on the sleeve of his uniform. His eyes never met Hyunjin and he couldn't understand if it was because he was embarrassed or simply too shaken up.

 

Hyunjin understood him nevertheless and got up before him. Stretching a hand towards the smaller boy, he invited him at taking it to get up. Felix, still not making eye contact, took his hand, getting up on shaking legs.

 

Hyunjin was glad to know Felix was feeling better but at the same time, he was still scared and guilty for not having realised before. He hesitated for a moment, before using his grip on Felix’s hand to pull him closer and hug him tightly once more. Felix was taken aback but he soon buried himself in the warm and comforting embrace.

 

Felix looked so small in his arms, Hyunjin couldn’t help pulling him even closer, nuzzling his head against the younger’s. In a swift movement, a couple of seconds later, Felix pulled away, going straight to the sink, without saying a word and carefully splashed cold water on his face.

 

Felix’s eyes were still red and puffy but at least he was breathing normally now. Hyujin let out a puff of air he didn’t know he was holding. After what felt like an eternity, Felix turned around, looking Hyunjin straight in the eyes for the first time that day. A deep frown appeared on Felix’s face, noticing the path of tears on his cheeks.

 

“Why have you been crying?” he asked with a mix of confusion and worry. He took a step forward and gently wiped a tear which was about to fall. Hyunjin didn’t know how to answer. It was an intentional reaction, seeing his friend so devastated made something break inside his heart. He just shrugged not trusting his own voice, a sad smile playing on his lips.

 

Felix’s frown deepened even more at the answer but didn’t push it more.

 

“Hey, come on. Everything is fine, really,” he assured, trying to smile. His watery eyes and the bloody crescents on the palm of his hands made Hyunjin even more hopeless.

 

_ How can he say everything is alright when he just had another panic attack? _ Hyunjin thought.

 

Hyunjin simply nodded, not convinced but he didn’t want to force Felix if he wasn’t ready to talk. Felix gave him a small smile, aware that he didn’t buy it.

 

“Just, don’t tell the others, okay? It’s nothing to worry about,” he pleaded, taking a step back and, even if his voice was now firm, his eyes screamed for reassurance.

 

“Of course,” Hyunjin murmured weakly, drying the tears on his uniform himself.

 

They stayed there staring at each other, both at a loss. Hyunjin wanted to say something, while Felix wanted to explain himself. But both of them were too afraid.

 

The sound of the bell ringing broke the trance they had fallen in. They jumped back, both looking at the door almost as if it was their worst enemy, knowing they had to go out and keep going with their day.

 

Felix took his backpack which was lying on the corner of the stall, probably being tossed there as soon as the boy had come in. He took a last inhale of air and opened the door, keeping his head down, almost as if he wanted to hide. Hyunjin was soon to follow him.

 

As soon as they made it back to the lunch hall, their friends turned their heads to watch them. Luckily no one noticed how swollen their eyes looked.

 

“Hey, is everything okay? You disappeared,” Chan asked, curious more than anything else.

 

Felix smiled at him, chuckling.

 

“Of course it is. I just forgot a thing in the class and Hyunjin came with me,” Felix lied, faking a bright smile which convinced immediately all the people at the table.  

 

If Hyunjin hadn’t been in that bathroom with him, he would have probably fallen for it too. He couldn’t believe how easily Felix could pretend everything was just fine and no one really paid attention to the small things that could tell them otherwise. Like how sad his eyes looked, or how he was trying to cover his hands with the sleeves of the uniform or more, how he avoided eye contact.

 

The hopelessness of it all made Hyunjin feel so desperate and utterly sad. All he could manage was a short nod before they had to get up and go to their respective classes.

  
  
  


Saying that during lessons he couldn't focus, was a huge understatement. Every time he tried to listen to what the teacher was saying or write some notes, his mind took him back to what had happened just a couple of hours before. He wanted to do something, anything, but he didn't know if it was the case to directly address it.

 

Frustrated with himself, he made up his mind, deciding to try to make Felix open up about why he had had that panic attack in the first place. Even if Felix wasn't ready to confess everything, having a friend and a shoulder to lean to, could maybe slightly help him.

 

When the teacher finally let them go, Hyunjin didn't waste a second and, with quick steps, he went to Felix’s desk before he could walk away. The younger looked up with a questioning expression, waiting for the older one to say something.

 

“Do you want to hang out at my place?” Hyunjin asked in a breath, suddenly nervous. He could accept Felix declining his offer but that didn't mean he wanted him to.

 

Felix didn't move from his place, still sitting at his desk. An eyebrow shot up and he looked almost intimidating if it wasn't for the slight pout on his lips.

 

Something in Hyunjin's face must have shown because, after some more seconds of waiting, Felix got up with a light “sure” heading straight out of the classroom, Hyunjin easily catching up.

 

They had hung out a lot in the previous months but it was clear that this time there was something different about it. It took him months to make Felix relax in his presence and now he looked as tense as the first time they had interacted.

 

Felix knew that the excuse of a hang out was simply because he was going to be asked about what happened earlier in the day. It wasn't like he was trying to avoid it, because after all, Hyunjin was the one who had seen it all and had helped him. But he surely wasn't ready to explain the series of reasons behind that particular panic attack.

 

It wasn't like it was the first panic attack he had but, while sometimes they were caused by stress and frustration, this time there was a specific reason behind it. Felix's parents decided to move back to Australia and, in order not to make him leave another school once again, they made their decision to make him stay in Korea and move back home after graduating from high school. In two years.

 

Felix was close to breaking down at the news. How could they force him to leave Australia in the first place and then leave him in Korea, while they moved back home? His parents were the only family he had in Korea and they were leaving him behind. He knew they meant well and they were just concerned about his education. But he couldn't shake off the feeling of being thrown away.

 

Felix was lost in his thoughts, not realising he was biting hard on his lower lip to prevent it from shaking until he felt Hyunjin's hand lightly grazing his own. He didn't hold it but the simple gesture screamed _I_ _am here for you_.

 

Without another word, they made their way to Hyunjin's house, which luckily was just two streets away from the school. As soon as they got inside, Felix was hit with an atmosphere of  _ home _ . Nothing was mind-blowing but it was so cosy and warm, that Felix was reminded of his house back in Sydney. When everything was easier and just happier.

 

“We can hang out in my room,” Hyunjin broke the silence, vaguely pointing to a door at the end of the same hallway. Felix nodded following him, looking around as if it was a shame to miss a single detail of the house.

 

Hyunjin's room was nothing more than a typical teenager room. It was quite clean and tidy, besides the desk which was filled with loose papers and open textbooks, probably left there after a long study session. All the shelves were filled with books and video games and the walls were coloured with light green, some posters here and there. His bed was unmade and in Felix’s drowsy status, it looked really comfy and welcoming.

 

“Your parents aren't at home?” Felix asked, leaving his backpack at the doorstep just like Hyunjin had told him to do.

 

“My dad is working and I think my mom went grocery shopping,” Hyunjin explained, noticing how tense and out of place Felix looked. He sighed internally.

 

Felix nodded, shifting uncomfortably on his feet, waiting for Hyunjin to do something.

 

“Aren't you uncomfortable with the uniform?” Hyunjin asked. He had long get ridden of his uniform jacket and tie, leaving him wearing only a white t-shirt.

 

“Don't worry, I have a sweatshirt in my backpack anyways,” Felix reassured but made no move to actually take off the jacket and change into the sweatshirt.

 

Hyunjin didn't pressure him about it, opting to offer him something to drink and go to the kitchen, when Felix gladly accepted.

 

He busied himself in the kitchen, getting them two glasses of juice, before going back to his bedroom. There he found Felix sitting cross-legged on his bed, wearing a sweatshirt instead of the jacket uniform, and phone in his hand.

 

He wondered why Felix had waited for him to leave the room to get changed but didn't have time to think too much into it before Felix spoke.

 

“Look, I know you want to ask me about what happened before, so just do it,” he said looking away from the screen of his phone and instead fixed his eyes on the floor.

 

Hyunjin was taken aback by the sentence. When he had asked Felix to hang out, it was really just to distract the younger. He honestly wanted Felix to open up and be able to talk to him about everything but it wasn't the main reason why he wanted to spend time with him.

 

Despite that, he wasn't about to back off now that Felix had brought up the topic himself.

 

“Lix, I want you to trust me but if you don't want to talk about it it's totally fine and we can really just watch a movie,” Hyunjin assured, moving to the bed sitting down on it and facing Felix.

 

There was a moment of silence and Hyunjin really thought he had said something wrong and had made the younger even more uncomfortable. Felix, on the other hand, was lost in his thoughts as if he was thinking hard about something Hyunjin couldn't quite know.

 

“It’s my parents,” Felix began, surprising Hyunjin who had thought he wasn't about to say a thing about the topic.

 

It was clear that Felix wasn’t that eager to talk about it, but just the fact that he was trying to made something warm stir inside Hyunjin’s stomach. Without really thinking about it, he took Felix’s small hand in his own, squeezing it gently to let him know he was there.

 

“They’re moving back to Australia and leaving me here until I graduate from high school,” Felix explained. He had thought he didn’t have any more tears left to cry but the ones which were now falling silently on his cheeks said otherwise. He was exhausted and, saying out loud all the things he had bottled up and always only kept for himself, made him feel vulnerable and bare.

 

Hyunjin’s heart ached at the sight in front of him. Felix was crying again, curling on himself trying to hide from him. He was going through so much pain and stress, Hyunjin couldn’t understand how he could keep going. And maybe he wasn’t, that was the whole point.

 

Hyunjin wasn’t anyone to blame Felix’s parents for what they were doing to him, because he didn’t know the reasons behind their decision. At the same time, he couldn’t help but think about what kind of parents would just leave their son behind, in a county, they forced him to move to in the first place.

 

For the second time that day, Hyunjin understood Felix didn’t need any fake comforting words. He just needed someone to lean on and Hyunjin was more than willing to be there for him. He let Felix lean on his shoulder, still crying his eyes out. This time, was Felix himself who made the first move.

 

Felix wrapped his arms tightly around Hyunjin’s waist, hiding his head in the older’s neck, his shirt getting wet because of his tears. Felix was stuttering half sentences, which he probably didn’t even realise were leaving his mouth.

 

“How can they leave me here without anyone,” he cried harder, choking on his tears. Hyunjin held him tighter, kissing the top of his head to calm him down, “they’re the only family I have,” he continued, his voice so shaky it was almost difficult to understand his words.

 

“Baby, shh,” Hyunjin murmured, rocking back and forth as if he was lulling a baby. Hyunjin had already noticed earlier in the day that, using a pet name with Felix made him loose up just that tiny bit. And Hyunjin liked it himself so he gladly complied.

 

“You have us, you have all your friends here. You have me,” Hyunjin continued talking, lulling Felix with his voice, his fingers running through the mop of soft orange hair on his head.

 

At that Felix let out a loud sob, his arms tightening around Hyunjin’s waist. The latter’s heart broke when he realised that Felix probably didn’t believe his words. He didn’t know what he could do to make him listen to his words.

 

“Lix baby, please believe me. We all care about you, we won’t let you alone, I swear,” Hyunjin assured, his voice breaking in the middle of the sentence, making Felix understand how much he actually meant his words. To his great relief, Felix pulled away a bit, looking him straight in the eyes.

 

Hyunjin wasn’t happy to notice how familiar the sight of Felix crying was to him. Felix’s eyes were once again puffy and so sad, his cheeks red and wet because of the tears. Hyunjin found himself thinking how, in that state as well,  Felix looked beautiful.

 

His heart twisted when Felix gave him a small nod, not quite convinced but half way there. He had finally stopped crying but he didn’t remove himself from Hyunjin’s embrace. The letter let out a puff of breath in satisfaction, happy he made something change in Felix’s mind. A small smile made his way on his lips and he brought Felix closer once again, enjoying how this time his body seemed to melt into him.

 

There was something quite peculiar about what was going on lately between him and Felix. They started from being nothing more than friendly acquaintances before Hyunjin even read the notebook he had always failed to mention. After that, there was a mutual agreement. They hung out, talked a lot and simply enjoyed each other presence. Hyunjin liked to think he was one of the reasons why Felix smiled more when they were together. Felix had clearly warmed up to him a lot, accepting now physical contact as well, a thing that he tried to avoid with both his close friends and family.

 

They stayed there, wrapped around each other without a second thought. The film they were supposed to watch was soon forgotten, both of them too happy where they were to move. That was until they heard the front door opening and closing, Hyunjin’s mom coming home. Now that the silence had been broken, Felix spoke again, surprising Hyunjin.

 

“I’m sleepy,” he complained, his low voice even lower because of the sobbing. He made no attempt to move but Hyunjin could see his eyes fluttering closed, too sleepy to keep them open. Hyunjin didn’t manage to keep the coo for himself. It seemed like the sleepier Felix got the clingier he was. Hyunjin made a decision.

 

“Wait here, I’m going to tell my mom we’re here and then I’m coming back, okay?” he explained, not resisting giving Felix a kiss on the forehead when he cutely nodded. He untangled himself from the mess their limbs were and made his way to the living room.

 

A couple of minutes and a few explanations later, he was back in his room. For a second, he stood there at the doorstep, frozen. The sight in front of him made his heart flutter and beat so fast, he was afraid it might have burst out of his chest.

 

Felix had moved on the bed, his head was now lying on Hyunjin's pillow. His expression was finally peaceful and, in the dim light of the sunset coming in from the open window, his freckles were even more visible.

 

Hyunjin guessed he had all the right to nod off for a bit since his day had been pretty eventful and emotionally draining. Hyunjin made his way over his own bed, deciding to just sit there, play a bit with his phone and wait for Felix to wake up. At least that what he wanted to do, but Felix seemed to have a different opinion. As soon as Hyunjin set down next to him, Felix, almost as he had felt a warm presence, had thrown an arm around his lap moving closer.

 

Hyunjin was surprised at his action. It was true that there was skinship in their friendship, but it was also clear that Felix wasn't all that comfortable with it. That's way Hyunjin, although he was a very touchy person, tried to contain himself when around the younger. Seeing Felix so cuddly and warm, made him want to join him in a short nap. He didn't want to overstep his boundaries so he talked himself out of it. Once again Felix didn't agree.

 

Moving even closer in his sleepy state, probably searching for warmth, Felix wrapped himself around Hyunjin once again, burying his head on his side. The action was too charming for Hyunjin to resist. He shifted on the bed, now lying on his pillows as well. He was face to face with Felix now. For longer than he liked to admit, he stayed there simply watching the other boy. Seeing Felix so relaxed for what was probably the first time since they had met, made butterflies go wild in his stomach. He reasoned it was just because he was happy to see the younger take a pause from his thoughts.

 

Felix shifted again in his sleep and this time Hyunjin let himself go. He wrapped his arm around Felix’s shoulders, his head now lying on his chest and the younger’s arms keeping him closer by the waist. With shooting movements, he combed Felix’s orange locks, enjoying how it made him melt even more into the hug.

 

Hyunjin was then struck with an idea. It was the perfect opportunity to do something he knew he couldn't have done in any other moment. He just hoped Felix didn't wake up.

 

With a slow movement, he unwrapped one of Felix’s arms from his waist, checking if he had woken up the boy. Luckily he was still dead asleep. Still holding him close, Hyunjin carefully pulled up Felix’s sleeve, revealing the skin on his arm. There, to confirm his greatest fear was a white bandage covering his wrist and dozens of scars littering the rest of the skin of his whole arm, from the elbow to his hand.

 

Hyunjin heard himself silently sobbing, a sound coming directly from his chest. The bandage was coloured by red strains of what, Hyunjin guessed, was fresh blood. The bandage probably was meant to cover the more recent scars Felix had cut into his own skin.

 

Hyunjin had, of course, read something about that in Felix’s diary but, since that moment, he had hoped that it was just a misunderstanding because of his poor English. It turned out it wasn't. Now he understood why Felix was always pulling his sleeves even more over his hands when he was around other people. Or how he had refused to take off his jacket with Hyunjin in the same room. Or more, how he now realised he had never seen Felix wear nothing other than long-sleeved shirts or sweatshirts even in the middle of summer, finding excuses about how cold Korean summers were compared to Australians.

 

Hyunjin felt a tear running down his cheek. Exactly how he had reacted in the bathroom in the morning, he couldn't stay there and feel nothing about his friend's condition. He cared about him, so how could he just be heartless in front of such a sight.

 

Pulling the sleeve back and Felix’s arms back around his waist, Hyunjin hugged him tighter to his chest, kissing the crown of his head lovingly.

 

“I'm here now, baby. I will help you, I promise,” he whispered in the silence, no one there to listen to him.

 

More than to other people, it was a promise for himself. He swore to himself that it would have been the last time he had failed to notice his friend's condition. It was the last time he had let Felix suffer alone.

 

With another kiss to Felix’s forehead, Hyunjin hugged him close to his body and, in a matter of seconds, he was asleep, curled up to the boy he promised to protect from himself.

  
  
  


Hyunjin was frustrated with himself. He had promised to protect Felix from everything but weeks had passed and he was nowhere closer than before. He knew deep down that there was no way he could seriously help Felix, without mentioning the notebook. Hyunjin was honestly ready for his anger but he couldn't bring himself to ruin the equal friendship they had created.

 

If at the beginning it was kind of one-sided, where Hyunjin helped Felix through rough times but never told his own worries to the younger, too scared to overwhelm him, it was now a mutual relationship. Hyunjin opened up to Felix and he was always more than ready to offer words of comfort or, more often, just be there for him.

 

Hyunjin was scared that, admitting he had violated Felix’s privacy, even before all of that started, could have made Felix pull back and drift away from him.

 

It turned out that Felix wasn't that clueless in the first place and the choice was taken away from him.

 

They were hanging out once again at Hyunjin's house. It had become a habit, them going straight there as soon as they were allowed out of school. It made Hyunjin warm to see how at home Felix looked there. If before he was always tense and afraid to touch anything, now it was almost more strange to see Hyunjin lying in his bed alone than with Felix.

 

Maybe it was the familiarity of it all, that made Hyunjin act so recklessly, making a great mistake.

 

He was lying down on his bed, his uniform still on and his eyes closed. They had just got home and Felix had excused himself to the bathroom, leaving his backpack on the chair near the desk as always. There was something he had been wanting to do for a long while and, that moment seemed perfect.

 

He got up, quickly approaching Felix’s backpack. Inside he found the notebook he so wanted to take a look at. It was honestly for a good cause. Knowing he couldn't talk to Felix about it, he just wanted to understand how the younger was actually doing, besides the lies he was forced to tell his friends and, for a certain extent, to Hyunjin as well.

 

Knowing he didn’t have that much time before Felix came back, he quickly started from the page he cared the most. On the upper side of the sheet, there was written the date of the first time he had helped Felix out of the panic attack.

 

_ Dear diary, _

_ For the first time, I let someone help me through a panic attack. I don't know how to feel about it, I've never even told my parents I have them. And now Hyunjin knows...what if he tells the others? He was a great help, I wish I could always have someone in a moment like those. All I know for now is that I have to hide better...I'm not going to let him see me in that state again. _

 

Hyunjin felt bitter about what Felix had written. In a way, he was happy because himself from the present was the living proof that Felix had let him in, even if not completely. On the other hand, he was kind of sad knowing that Felix’s first instinct was to hide from him even more.

 

Deciding not to waste any more time with his thoughts, he kept reading another page, a couple of days later.

 

_ Dear diary, _

_ I let Hyunjin help me again. I don't know why I just feel like I can trust him. He is the first person who stayed with me knowing how fucked up I am. Well, he doesn't know the extent of it, but still. It's kind of a double blade, thanks to him I've been feeling happier and I can stop the voices in my heads for a couple of hours. On the other hand, when the downtime comes, it hits twice as harder. Maybe I'm selfish or maybe I just hate myself more than I've ever had, but I'm not going to let this take him away from me. _

 

Hyunjin frowned, because of him Felix was happier but at the same time harsher on himself. Too lost in his thoughts and in the words written on the pages in front of him, he didn't hear the steps coming his way.

 

“What are you doing?” Felix's low voice asked behind him. Nothing was different in it if you didn't manage to catch how on edge it was.

 

Hyunjin froze, trying to make his brain come up with a decent explanation.

 

“Why are you reading that?” Felix pressed more, his hand carefully pointing to the notebook in Hyunjin's hands.

 

Felix didn't seem angry, more like really tense. Almost as if a single wrong move could make him explode.

 

“It was just lying on the desk and I was wondering what it was,” Hyunjin lied, trying to keep his voice as casual and light as he could. He knew all too well that Felix wasn't so stupid to believe him but he tried anyway.

 

“Bullshit,” Felix spat harshly, surprising Hyunjin, “it was inside my backpack. If you didn't know what it was, you wouldn't have noticed it,” Felix deadpanned, annoyed at Hyunjin’s obvious lie.

 

“Lix, I'm so sorry, I swear. I just wanted to know how you were really feeling and, since I couldn’t ask you face to face, I thought it was my best option,” Hyunjin tried to excuse himself, no point anymore in lying. He just hoped he could make up for what he did and make Felix understand simply how concerned he was.

 

“You already knew what was written inside, didn't you? That day when you said you had found the notebook in the classroom, you read it, didn’t you? That's why you knew where to find me when I ran away before my panic attack,” Felix questioned, even if his voice made it clear he wasn't expecting an answer. He had already realised everything.

 

Hyunjin, on the other hand, was at his breaking point. He was okay with anger or sadness but Felix looked so stone cold, he didn't even know how he was supposed to make up for what he did. What killed him the most was the pure betrayal in his eyes, the only emotion Hyunjin could find on his face.

 

“Lix, I didn't mean to, I swear. I was just too afraid to bring the subject up myself and I fucked up,” Hyunjin tried to explain, not even knowing how to phrase all the things that he really wanted to say. He knew he shouldn’t have been so reckless to think it was his place to invade Felix’s privacy. When Felix stayed quiet, Hyunjin took his opportunity to keep explaining, even if he didn’t know how. He let the words come out without thinking.

 

“I knew it was wrong for me to read it, but when I did, I was so concerned about you. I still am. I just wanted to help you get better. To make you understand that you are loved and don’t deserve what you’re doing to yourself,” Hyunjin rambled, his voice sad and scared, afraid that a single word could have ruined completely the few chances he had to make things right.

 

And that’s probably what he did because in a matter of seconds, the stoic expression Felix tried so hard to keep on fell, revealing that betrayed look once again. That look that made Hyunjin want to just drop on his knees and beg Felix to forgive him.

 

“So that’s why you wanted to be close to me. You only see me as a problem to be solved. You’ve never wanted to be with me because you simply liked me,” Felix said, taking a step back, almost as if being near Hyunjin could burn him.

 

“That’s not true. Please, Felix, hear me out, that’s not it. Please,” Hyunjin pleaded, taking a step forward as Felix took another one backwards. A tear made its way down Hyunjin’s cheek at the situation: he just wanted to wrap Felix into a hug and keep whispering in his ear all the things he loved about him. But he couldn’t because Felix was drifting away from him, step after step.

 

“I can’t believe I was even thinking you genuinely liked me,” Felix kept scolding himself, almost as if he couldn't even hear Hyunjin talking.

 

“Please, Felix, I do. I really do,” Hyunjin kept saying but in vain.

 

“I need to get away from here. Just stay away from me. There's nothing you can do about it, about all of this,” Felix finished and, without waiting for Hyunjin to say anything more or to try stopping him once again, he took his backpack and quickly ran out of Hyunjin's house.

 

When the older fully realised how much screwed up their friendship was, he felt tears falling down his eyes, wetting his shirt. He dropped on his knees and, sitting on the floor, he hugged his legs closely while sobbing.

 

The trust Felix had for him and that he worked so hard for, was now a distant memory. Together with that, the feeling of having betrayed who had become one of his closest friends was eating him up from inside.

 

Hyunjin moved his leg and he accidentally kicked something on the floor. Coming up from his inner turmoil for a second, he realised that the diary he had been reading just moments before, was still in his room. Felix had probably tried to run away too quickly to realise he had forgotten it there.

 

Unable to hate himself and ruin their friendship more than it already was, he opened it again, focusing on the page filled with dark black ink.

 

_ Diary diary, _

_ Something weird is going on today. I feel so utterly happy. I haven't felt like this in such a long while, it actually scares me. I've spent my whole day with Hyunjin, that's maybe why I'm so happy. He makes me feel so comfortable and warm, that sometimes I forget what happens to me every night when the voices in my head yell for me to take the razor. I hope someday I will be able to open up to him about that, but for now, I'm content with what we have. _

 

Feeling the pain caused by his heart breaking in his chest, Hyunjin's tears met the page of the diary, smudging the ink. His tears and Felix’s joined in a pitiful mixture.

  
  
  


Three weeks had passed from that terrible afternoon when Hyunjin decided he had enough. Felix had tried to find all the possible excuses not to hang out with them at lunch and Hyunjin knew that the only reason why was because he didn't want to see him. Day after day, the group got used to Felix’s absence, not pushing that much anymore. The closest Hyunjin had been able to get to Felix, was sitting at their respective desks in class. That's until Felix asked the teacher if he could be moved to the front row because he wasn't able to see the blackboard clearly. Hyunjin pretended to believe Felix’s excuse.

 

Despite that, lately, Felix hadn't even shown up to lessons. For a whole week, the younger was absent and no one knew where he was, just to show up again with dark circles under his eyes, a void expression and too much weight loss.

 

That's when Hyunjin understood that if he didn't do something, Felix would have ended up killing himself for how poorly he was treating his mental health and his body.

 

Hyunjin didn't know where to start. Felix parents were out of the question since he had never talked to them and didn't know if it was a good idea to expose their son without him knowing.

 

He then wondered if talking to his own parents could have helped the situation. Maybe they could give him some good advice on how to help Felix. But once again he realised that maybe, involving their parents in the hole mess wasn't the best first step.

 

The next closest mature figure he knew was Chan. The older had always been a great friend for him and, being from Australia, he had taken Felix under his wing as soon as he had seen the lost look on the younger’s face.

 

He made his decision and, with a quick text to the older, asking if he was at home, he took Felix’s diary in his hands and left his house feeling anxious.

  
  
  


Felix didn't know what had convinced him to go to Chan's house that day. Maybe it was the cryptic text the older had sent him, a simple  _ I need to talk to you, can you come over please. _ Or maybe it was Felix selfishness at wanting some quality time with his friend, even after having avoided him for almost a month.

 

Despite that, walking towards Chan’s house, Felix wondered about what the older wanted to talk about. He didn't have to wait too long to find out since their houses were a mere five minutes walk from each other.

 

As soon as he got in front of the room, the first thing he realised was how he could faintly hear voices coming from inside. He shrugged, knocking on the door. Chan was soon opening the door for him and, with a smile that seemed too hesitant to be real, he led them to the living room.

 

Felix stopped abruptly when he saw another person in the same room. He wondered how he didn't recognise Hyunjin's voice from outside. There he stood, looking at Felix with a mixture of badly covered concern and joy. Felix couldn't react in any way besides staring straight at the boy, before turning towards Chan sceptically.

 

“What is this? Why is he here?” Felix asked, maybe a bit too harshly, judging by how tense both Chan and Hyunjin looked. The room was still silent and Felix was about to turn around and go back home. That's until he saw Chan's eyes watering and his lips twitching.

 

Hyunjin was still there frozen, his eyes running from Felix to Chan, waiting for the older to say something. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife and Felix didn't understand why he was part of that scene.

 

In a broken whisper, Chan broke the silence.

 

“Lix, can you pull up your sleeves please?” he asked and if the room wasn't that silent, Felix wouldn't probably have heard him. But he did.

 

“What?” he asked back confused, instinctively pulling his arms closer, his sweater paws hiding his hands. He couldn't understand where all of that came from.

 

“Would you pull up your sleeves? Please, Lix,” Chan asked again, this time his voice was a bit more stable and his eyes looked straight into Felix’s.

 

The younger in the room stayed silent, trying to explain to himself what was going on. While trying to avoid Chan's eyes, Felix’s gaze landed on the coffee table in the middle of the living room and then he understood everything. There, exactly like he remembered it, was his diary, the one he had forgotten at Hyunjin's house but never asked back because that meant confronting the older.

 

Felix took a step back, his eyes now moving and shooting daggers at Hyunjin, who had probably caught his realisation.

 

“You told him?” his voice started unsure, gaining more force word after word, “how could you do this to me? First, you read my diary without permission and then you make other people read it,” Felix accused, anger dripping from his voice. He wanted to run away and forget about everything.

 

Hyunjin lowered his head but stayed silent, knowing Felix was right about everything but he had honestly done it for his best.

 

“Lix, please, let me see your arms,” Chan whispered next to him, his voice trying to calm Felix down.

 

“Why do you want to see them? You already know what you're going to find,” Felix snapped. He knew he was being mean and disrespectful but he couldn't bring himself to care. There was a reason why he never opened up about his problems with anyone and now he was forced to.

 

His breath started to get heavier and under his skin, he could feel the beginning of a panic attack. He didn't want to be there. Wanting to end this thing as soon as possible, he finally pulled up his sleeves, hoping he could run home then.

 

Chan let out a sob and tears streamed down his cheeks like waterfalls. Hyunjin on the other hand, quickly looked away hoping that if he didn't watch it wasn't real.

 

Felix stood there quietly, his bare arms now there for everyone to see. The several cuts already dried were nothing more than bumps on his skin. The most recent scars were instead red and ugly. On his right wrist, there was a bandage covering the scars he cut into his skin just the day before.

 

“Oh, Lix. Why are you doing this to yourself?” Chan pleaded but didn't really look for an answer. The older was crying and sobbing, his hand trying to muffle the sounds.

 

Felix’s breathing was becoming too quick and his nails were cutting crescents into his skin, to try to stay grounded. His biggest fear was becoming reality: he had never wanted for his friends to find out about his self-harming. He wasn't stupid, he knew it would crush their hearts. And now Chan was crying and sobbing because of him.

 

Felix took another step back, closing his eyes tightly, trying to calm himself down. It didn't seem to work, all he could hear was Chan's crying in his hears. He didn't realise what happened next until he heard Hyunjin’s voice, “he's having a panic attack, hyung please wait in the kitchen”.

 

He was led to something soft, his mind understood after, it was the couch in the living room and firm arms wrapped around him.

 

“Lix, Felix, relax. Everything is fine, baby. I'm here and I'm not letting you go,” Hyunjin muttered in his ear, rocking them gently.

 

Felix still couldn't understand why it was so easy to come up from a panic attack when Hyunjin was with him. It seemed like his voice was the only one able to cover the voices screaming in Felix’s head.

 

“You're okay now baby, nothing happened. We love you, okay? I love you,” Hyunjin said, kissing the crown of his head. Felix felt a small pressure and after a couple of seconds, he realised Hyunjin was pulling down his sleeves, covering once again his arms. 

 

“There. I'm sorry we forced you into this,” Hyunjin apologized, leaning into Felix, who was finally breathing normally again. His head was in the crook of Hyunjin’s neck and he asked himself why it all felt so familiar.

 

“Are you okay, Lix?” another voice asked from behind them. Chan was now standing there, a guilty expression on his face, watching how Felix was trying to hide in Hyunjin's embrace. Nevertheless, he managed to nod.

 

“I don't want to overwhelm you but can we please talk?” Chan asked carefully, unbothered by his friends still cuddling in front of him. Felix didn't give a verbal response but, after squeezing Hyunjin once more, he got up, walking until he was right in front of Chan.

 

There was a moment of pause but then Chan pulled him into his arms, holding him as tightly as possible, without hurting him. Felix let himself go and, with one last tear, he hugged back just as tightly.

 

One hour later, Felix and Chan were sitting at the kitchen table, while Hyunjin had excused himself, arguing that they deserved to talk in private, leaving the two alone. For the first time since he had heard the first voice yell into his head, Felix verbally opened up to someone, voicing all the doubts he had.

 

But this time it was okay because Chan was there to cry with him and hold him to his body just as Hyunjin had done countless times before.

  
  
  


Saying that Felix was scared was a huge understatement. Going from always being defensive and afraid to say too much, to knowing that people around him knew about his inner troubles, made the blood in his veins freeze.

 

As soon as Chan found out, it was a mutual agreement not to tell the others just yet. It wasn’t something many people needed to know and Felix wasn’t that confident yet. For now, all he cared about were Chan and Hyunjin.

 

There were days when he hated the fact that, when the voices in his head were screaming at him to take the razor and cut every time deeper into his wrists, there was always one of his two friends there to make them stop or to physically stop him.

 

On the other hand, he couldn’t be more grateful for having such amazing people in his life. After all, no one forced them to stay by his side but they did it anyway, showing how much they actually cared for him.

 

At least Chan was always there. Since the moment the truth came up at the elder's house, Hyunjin had always been checking on him but he was way more careful with his touches and words. He was almost scared to upset Felix if he did or said something too much.

 

Being too caught up in the events, Felix decided that it was better not to ask anything. After all, he was still feeling a bit betrayed by Hyunjin’s behaviour. It wasn’t easy to just let everything slip, just because things turned out for the better. It was one day when Felix was lost in his thoughts late at night, that he heard a gentle knock at his door.

 

Jumping because of the sudden noise, Felix went to the front door, wondering who would go knocking on people’s doors at midnight in the middle of the week. Turning the doorknob, he was surprised to see Hyunjin standing at his doorstep, his hair dishevelled and comfortable clothes hanging loosely on his frame.

 

“What are you doing here at midnight?” Felix asked, concern dripping from his voice. He was still a bit sceptical but he couldn’t stop his heart from beating faster at the thought of the older going out from the comfort of his house just to see him.

 

“Come with me?” Hyunjin asked instead, his eyes now fixed on Felix’s own, a hopeful expression on his face. Felix stayed silent, pondering if he should accept or reject the offer. Felix wondered where the older wanted to take him to but, even after all that had happened, he couldn’t help but trust him. He knew there was more behind it and, if Hyunjin wanted to talk, he was open to listening.

 

With a short nod, Felix turned around just to put on a pair of shoes and take his phone. The corner of his lips turned up when he saw Hyunjin beaming at him, glad he accepted.

 

The walk to wherever they were going to, was silent. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence but at the same time, there was some sort of tension between them, that had never been there even before they had got close.

 

Felix wanted to ask where they were going but refrained from doing so, following instead Hyunjin’s quick steps, enjoying the breeze of the night. His sweatshirt was a bit big on him but it made him feel more protected, pulling the sleeves closer until his hands weren’t visible anymore.

 

After not more than ten minutes, Hyunjin stopped in front of a building Felix was used to visiting every day for more than a year until he stopped. There, the dance studio stood in all his might. Felix was about to ask why they were standing in front of the studio at midnight, when Hyunjin took out a key from his sweatpants, unlocking the front door and motioning Felix to enter.

 

Felix felt a pang of sadness at the familiarity of it all. The only difference was that, when he used to visit the studio, the door was unlocked by himself, with a key he was soon to give back when he realised he couldn’t bear staying there a moment longer.

 

Hyunjin seemed to notice because, in a swift motion, he took Felix’s hand in his own leading him to one of the practice rooms. Felix was still confused as to why they were there, but he let himself be led, enjoying the skinship after so long.

 

Entering the room, they stood in the middle of it, Hyunjin turning to look at Felix.

 

“You once told me you used to come here in the middle of the night to relax,” he finally explained, knowing Felix was probably squeezing his brain to understand why they were there.

 

Felix’s eyes widened comically because he didn't think Hyunjin even remembered he had ever said something about it.

 

“I was just wondering if you were still up for it,” Hyunjin continued, his expression still a bit tense but his eyes warm. Felix couldn't help but feel relaxed around him.

 

“I haven't danced in forever though,” Felix finally said, his voice deeper than usual. He wasn't totally against the thought of dancing but it was a bit weird to do it after so long and with someone else with him as well.

 

“That doesn't mean you can't try again now,” Hyunjin said and, with a smile that looked almost like the ones they used to share before, he went to the stereo, plugging in his own phone.

 

As soon as the music blasted, too loud in the otherwise silent building, Felix felt something stir inside his band heart. His passion for dancing was something that went over the mere action. It made him relax and always learn new things about himself. It was almost like, as soon as his body started moving, everything else blurred out. He could only feel his body and the music, the rest could be crushing around him for all he knew.

 

He was still too self-conscious to let himself move with Hyunjin in the same room. He couldn’t deny that the sound of the music and the familiarity of the room he was in, made him believe that maybe he could still do it. He could still appreciate the way his body didn’t need any instruction to follow the music.

 

Hyunjin seemed to understand his inner troubles and didn’t press him into moving. On the contrary, he was the first one who stood in the middle of the room, his body following the beat of the song with a precision Felix could only dream for.

 

If Hyunjin was graceful in everyday life, he was ethereal when he danced. The passion he had was overflowing, his eyes so determined, even a passerby could notice it. However, Hyunjin didn’t dance to be noticed. Hyunjin danced for himself and Felix realized it when, at the end of the first chorus, it looked like Hyunjin snapped out of a trance, remembering he wasn't alone.

 

Felix couldn’t do anything else besides staring at him, at the way his breath was coming in short puffs and his eyes were shining in a way Felix had never seen. Hyunjin looked utterly happy and Felix wondered if that was the same expression he used to have when he came up with a new dance routine.

 

It was Hyunjin’s turn to feel a bit self-conscious now. He was pretty confident in his dancing but having Felix there by his side, staring at him with adoration clear in his eyes, made him let out a breathy chuckle. Hyunjin then noticed a bit disappointed that, even if Felix seemed more relaxed now, he hadn’t joined him in dancing. He also figured that it might take some time now that things between them were a bit more complex than they ever used to be.

 

With his breath still a bit worked up and sweat glistening on his forehead, he broke the silence asking Felix if he wanted a bottle of water from the machine in the hallway. Felix nodded with a small smile, deciding to wait for Hyunjin in the room.

 

Neither of them turned off the music so, when a new song started playing in the until then silent room, Felix jumped on his feet startled. Hyunjin’s phone connected to the stereo played a hip hop song Felix recalled hearing sometimes on the radio. The beat was fast and harsh, his foot tapping the rhythm un-subconsciously, while he muttered the lyrics under his breath.

 

Felix looked around the room until his eyes connected with his reflection in the mirror. Almost as a flashback, Felix was taken back to all those sleepless nights he had spent in that same room, not caring about anything other than the music blasting in his ears and the dance moves he didn’t even have to think about.

 

As on cue, his body started moving without him realising.

 

Felix felt like the first time he had ever tried to move following the beat of a song, back in Australia in front of the mirror of his own bedroom. He didn’t have the technique or the talent Hyunjin had, but he couldn’t care less. His body moved freely and his head was void of voices telling him all the things he had screwed up in his life. All he could feel was the music showering over his body and the pure comfort it gave him.

 

Out of practice, he stopped at the end of the song and the only sound in the room was now his breath coming out in quick puffs, trying to inhale as much oxygen in his lungs as possible. Felix realised how nice it was to be out of breath because of dancing and not because of a panic attack.

 

While Felix was lost in his thoughts, Hyunjin was leaning on the doorstep, looking at Felix in awe after having seen him dancing. There was a sort of serenity on his face, Hyunjin wanted to see more often. When Felix realised Hyunjin was there and had probably been there for a while now, he didn’t say anything. Maybe he was waiting for Hyunjin to break the silence or maybe he simply didn’t want to. Too scared to make a wrong move, Hyunjin decided to let him start the conversation if he wanted to. Instead, he took some steps closer and handed him one of the two water bottles he had in his hands.

 

Felix gladly accepted, chunking down a big sip, his breath still worked up a bit. Hyunjin guessed it was pretty normal since he hadn’t been dancing in months. The room was still silent and Hyunjin was starting to feel tense. He had hoped to be able to talk to Felix and maybe start to figure things out, but he didn’t even know where to start and Felix didn’t seem interested in starting the conversation himself.

 

Hyunjin moved on the side of the room, flopping down on the cold floor. It was cold outside, that was for sure, but the temperature in the dance studio was way higher and, after having moved and danced, sweat was forming on his skin. Felix seemed to silently agree and, walking to his bag, his back facing Hyunjin, he took off his sweatshirt, before sitting down beside him.

 

Hyunjin watched him surprised, his eyes falling on Felix’s arms. Felix had always been defensive but now he was simply sitting there, letting Hyunjin see what he was so eager to hide before. Felix seemed to notice once again.

 

“What? It’s not like you haven’t seen them before,” Felix asked, motioning to his arms and the cuts that were still too fresh for Hyunjin’s liking. Felix’s voice was rough and there was a hint of accusation in it Hyunjin soon caught.

 

Hyunjin sighed loudly, making Felix raise a sharp eyebrow at him. However, Hyunjin didn’t say anything more.

 

“Why did you bring me here?” Felix inquired instead, getting annoyed by the lack of answers. He knew Hyunjin most likely wanted to have a chance to explain himself and Felix was honestly fine with listening. But it confused him that Hyunjin wasn’t even trying to start.

 

“Why did you stop dancing?” Hyunjin broke the silence. It wasn’t an answer but at least Felix was glad he was talking. He didn't know where he wanted to go with that question though.

 

“I’ve already told you. I needed to focus on other things,” Felix said matter of factly, the words sounding foreign on his tongue. Hyunjin didn’t fall for it this time.

 

“That’s what you told me before, yes. But it isn’t the truth,” Hyunjin read him like an open book. He wasn’t disappointed that Felix lied to him, on the contrary, he would have been surprised if he had said the truth.

 

Felix was silent for a moment, his eyes squinting, staring at Hyunjin, before leaning back on his arms again.

 

“Dancing makes me happy. At some point, I started believing I didn't deserve that, so I cut it off,” he explained, like it was simply a matter of fact. There wasn’t any particular emotion on his face, nor in his voice. Hyunjin’s heart ached at Felix resigning to his thoughts.

 

Hyunjin more than anyone knew Felix didn’t need pity. He didn’t want to hear people telling him that everything was going to be okay. Hyunjin stayed silent nodding at the answer, acknowledging it but no words were said.

 

“How did Chan-hyung take it?” he asked once more. It was both a matter of curiosity and a way for him to get his explanation ready, before risking to blur out stupid things like he always did around Felix.

 

The latter arched an eyebrow again, sceptical at the series of question Hyunjin was asking him. He guessed there was a reason, so for once he just let older go on, waiting.

 

“At first he wanted to tell someone, his parents or mine. But he understood I wouldn’t have forgiven him if he did, so he let it go. He’s spending lots of his time to check on me but it’s nice. At least he isn’t trying to make me talk about things I’m not comfortable in sharing,” Felix revealed, wondering why they were suddenly talking about Chan.

 

The room fell once again in tense silence, Felix watching Hyunjin expectantly, waiting for him to finally say something. When after two minutes he didn’t, Felix scoffed and got up.

 

“Look, this is nice and everything but if you brought me here for a reason then talk. I’m not spending my night here, waiting for you to come up with something,” Felix warned harshly. He hadn’t planned to sound so rude but he was honestly annoyed by Hyunjin’s behaviour. He wasn’t the one who wanted to apologize or to talk in the first place, but it seemed like Hyunjin didn’t either.

 

The older snapped his eyes up, looking like a deer caught in a trap. Felix was right. Hyunjin nodded, motioning for Felix to sit down again. The younger had probably seen something in his eyes because he soon followed, sitting cross-legged in front of him.

 

“I brought you here because I’ve never had a chance to explain myself properly,” Hyunjin started carefully, meeting Felix’s eyes across from him.

 

“I’m sorry it had to be like this, Lix. The first time I read your diary it was really just a coincidence. I wanted to give it back to its owner but when I opened it, I recognized your handwriting and some words I couldn’t believe you had written. From then on, I decided that if I could, I wanted to help you,” he explained, recalling all the thoughts inside his head when he had realised how Felix was actually feeling.

 

Something in his explanation made Felix frown, but this time Hyunjin knew how to respond.

 

“And it isn’t like you think. I’ve never thought of you as a problem to solve. You are my friend, Lix, and, even though we weren’t as close back then, I honestly just wanted to be able to make you feel a bit happier. I only cared about making you understand how much all of us love you, Lix,” Hyunjin confessed softly. His voice was a bit shaky but he was determined to make Felix see his point.

 

“I did many wrong things but I swear, the only reason why I did this, was because I care for you, Felix,” he finished. Felix was silent but Hyunjin was clearly able to say he moved something in him because his eyes were glossy and his expression softer.

 

“Why didn’t you tell Chan right away? Why did you wait for so long?” Felix asked, no harshness in his voice. His whole appearance made a complete turn. If before he could almost look intimidating, Felix was now hugging his knees to his chest and his expression fragile.

 

“Because I felt like it wasn’t my place to tell. I thought you were doing better, that’s also why I wanted to check your diary again that day you caught me. I wanted to really know how you were feeling since I couldn’t ask you straight up. When you started to avoid me, I was worried for you but you didn’t let me come near you. So I thought telling Chan-hyung might have helped.”

 

A part of Hyunjin regretted taking that decision, but the other part was glad that, even he ruined his relationship with Felix, at least the younger could be a bit more sincere with someone.

 

“It still wasn’t your place to tell,” Felix said and, if it had to sound like an accusation, it didn’t. His voice was weak, overwhelmed by the truth he was being told.

 

Felix wasn’t so petty not to think about Hyunjin’s possible reasons. He had long ago come to terms with the fact that Hyunjin had probably all the best intentions. Another part of him was still bitter that he was forced to reveal a part of himself he still struggled with.

 

“I know and I’d say I regret it but I actually don’t. If I didn’t, we would have never talked about this topic and you would have kept hiding behind smiles that I actually thought were real,” Hyunjin pointed out matter-of-factly. Once again, he knew he had made mistakes but helping Felix to open up wasn’t one of them.

 

Hyunjin let the words shower over Felix, who seemed a bit surprised at the sincerity in both Hyunjin’s voice and words. It seemed like his thoughts made sense when he talked again.

 

“Ever since I caught you reading my diary, I thought about this a lot,” he started, his accent accentuated by his tiredness, “I had already realised you probably had good intentions since the start and I’m honestly really glad for you because you helped me a lot. That doesn’t change the fact that I trusted you and you never thought about telling me the truth,” Felix confessed, voicing all the doubts that had filled his brain in the last weeks.

 

“But I really do understand why you did all of this. And I can’t just forget how much you actually helped me,” Felix finished, a small smile playing on his lips. Hyunjin wouldn't exactly say it was happy, but with a bit more work it could be.

 

The older felt relief washing over him at the small gesture.

 

“That means that you would be willing to forgive me for what I did?” Hyunjin asked, trying not to get his hopes up if he read into it wrong.

 

“Try to build up that trust again and I’m sure I will eventually,” Felix assured, his white teeth showing through his smile. The bag under his eyes and the paleness of his skin still looked unhealthy but Hyunjin couldn’t find him more beautiful. But that was something he wasn’t about to reveal anytime soon.

 

Hyunjin smiled back, a happy chuckle breaking free. Too happy to stop himself, he moved a bit closer to Felix.

 

“Lix-ah, can I hug you?” Hyunjin asked shyly, not understanding why he was so embarrassed all of a sudden. His doubts were swept away by Felix’s laugh who, after muttering a soft  _ why are you asking you always do _ threw his arms around Hyunjin’s waist, burying his head in the older’s neck.

 

Neither of the two could contain a happy sigh at the feeling of being close again. Felix had indeed avoided the older for weeks, but he couldn’t deny how he sometimes wished for Hyunjin to just be there and cuddle his thoughts away. It worked unexpectedly well.

 

Ecstatic to finally be in each other embrace after so long, neither of them wanted to move. At some point, Hyunjin had lied down, making Felix follow him. His head was pillowed on the older’s chest and his arms were still securely wrapped around his waist.

 

After some more time, Hyunjin broke the silence again.

 

“Lix-ah,” he called, tapping Felix’s cheek lightly. The younger put his chin on his chest, to be able to watch him in the eyes.

 

“How are you doing?” Hyunjin asked and Felix was confused at the sudden question. He then realised that Hyunjin didn’t mean the usual “ _ how’s your day going _ ” people tended to ask. He wanted to know something different.

 

“There are ups and downs, I guess,” he started softly, turning to lie on Hyunjin’s chest once again. His ear was right above Hyunjin’s heart, the faint sound calming him down, “some days I feel better and other days it sucks. But every time I get the urge to do something stupid,” and with that, he tightened his arms around Hyunjin’s waist, “I try to call Chan-hyung. He usually understands and comes over,” he finished explaining, his voice a bit more prideful than before. It might seem like nothing, but for him, it was a great improvement and the fewer scars on his wrists could confirm it.

 

“You know you can call me as well, right? If hyung is busy or anything, you know I would literally run to you, right?” Hyunjin asked, his fingers running through Felix’s soft orange locks. He was immensely proud of Felix, being only able to imagine how hard it must be for him to resist his impulses and try instead to ask for help.

 

“Of course I know it, Hyunjinnie,” Felix said fondly, leaving a small kiss on the uncovered skin of Hyunjin’s neck, making his heartbeat go crazy. Hyunjin responded with a kiss on the crown of his head, his orange hair tickling his lips.

 

Felix lifted his head once again, staring at Hyunjin right in the eyes with an expression he couldn’t quite pinpoint. It was a mix between pure fondness and adoration, Hyunjin didn’t understand why was directed at him.

 

“You know, besides the fact that I’ve never let anyone come near me during one of my panic attacks,” Felix started, the corner of his lips twisting up a bit, “you’re the only one who has ever been able to calm me down,” he confessed, openly smiling now. His eyes were shining and Hyunjin couldn’t quite grasp why but, the childish joy on his face made his lips twist up as well.

 

Felix moved his hand on Hyunjin’s chest, right where just minutes before his head was resting. He could feel his heart picking up at the mere gesture. There was something sort of magical in the unusual situation they were in.

 

Both too close to be casual and both on the edge to do something but too afraid to man up and do it. There wasn’t an actual explanation why all of a sudden Hyunjin felt like that. It had been a feeling he had tried to suppress, ever since the first time he felt his heart skip a bit at Felix’s touch on his skin.

 

In the same way, Felix didn’t need to have a reason to feel so comfortable around the older. To accept to tell him everything and let him see the worst part of him. It had been like that ever since Hyunjin helped him through his panic attack.

 

Lost in their thoughts while staring at each other, neither of them really focused on how close they had got. Hyunjin lifted a hand from Felix’s shoulders to gently caress his freckled cheeks, smiling fondly at the way Felix lent into the touch.

 

They didn’t really know who lent in first. All they knew was that, a second later, their lips were touching.

  
  


If Felix felt comfortable in Hyunjin’s arms, it felt like home to have his lips on his. And, if Hyunjin’s heart threatened to explode just from a single touch, he was sure it was beating out of his chest at the feeling of Felix completely pressed on him.

 

Nothing felt more right at the moment than what they were doing. Once again, there wasn’t a well throughout explanation or even thought behind the action. It was simply two boys who fought against themselves and had found safety in each other.

 

The kiss was simply their way to tell each other that yes, not much worked in their favour, but there was a reason after all if they were there at the moment.

 

When they pulled apart from the kiss, they couldn’t help the huge grins that settled on both their faces. They didn’t need to apply any label to what had happened and they didn’t need to question it either.

 

Felix settled back on Hyunjin’s chest, his heart beating now as crazy as the one under his cheek was. Hyunjin couldn’t hide the dreamy sigh that left his mouth. He carded his fingers through Felix’s hair, enjoying how the younger relaxed into the touch.

 

Maybe on the other side of the wall, the world was laughing at their naivety. Maybe in Felix’s head, voices were just about to get louder. And maybe Hyunjin couldn’t do anything to protect him, besides staying by his side.

 

Those were all  _ maybe _ s Hyunjin and Felix were well aware of. But for now, there in that dance room, cuddled up on the way too uncomfortable floor, high on the kiss they had shared, none of that really mattered.

 

All of those  _ maybe _ s were for another time, for the future. A future that hopefully saw Felix and Hyunjin fighting side by side, against loads of maybes that only wanted to deceive their senses.

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't what I wanted to write but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. It's also longer than expected.  
> There's a part of the story which is kinda left hanging...if you noticed it, then know that I might write a second chapter for that part. If you didn't, then never mind.  
> My twt is @felixfrckls and my dms are always open!


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